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Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in
tgspouse's LiveJournal:
| Sunday, January 1st, 2006 | | 5:07 am |
Status update
Which I haven't done in a while, largely because I've had some kind of virus the past week and a half. I still have it now, actually; I'm going to have to see a doctor about this one. Anyway, John's been proceeding with his plans. He looks 1/2 female now, or at any rate, not conventionally male, what with all the exfoliating and moisturizing he's done. His nails are long and shiny. Also, he wears women's jeans, and women's sweaters in public; and carries a women's wallet, curled in one hand. It hurts me to look at him. There's deep questions there, but they aren't my questions any more. Whether this is real, or just another of John's many transitions; how I feel about transgendering as a whole, what it means to be a woman... I don't care about any of these. And I truly didn't know what was going to happen until I talked to John's ex-wife Caroline this week. I'm going to have to leave him. I'm going to have to find us someplace else to live, and get a job as a paralegal, and find childcare for the kids and change my whole life completely, because I can't stand to look at John-Emily, and that is not going to change. And I'm going to have to do it this year. | | Tuesday, December 13th, 2005 | | 7:58 am |
Open question:
Stress-relieving medications: Anyone have any knowledge of which ones are better or worse? Current Mood:  tired | | Monday, December 5th, 2005 | | 7:11 am |
If you believe in any kind of God,
please pray for Bob very very hard indeed. And for David, who is even less capable of understanding why his Dad is doing this to them. If not, please send good thoughts to them. Current Mood:  infuriated | | Sunday, December 4th, 2005 | | 8:34 am |
I am not exchanging presents with the person I am married to.
I am also trying to avoid using a name for them, because they now want to be called 'Emily', and honestly I cannot bear to. But we're giving each other a sum of money to play with in lieu of presents, because I cannot take buying pretties for my husband. Only the weird thing is, I COULD tolerate doing that. It might even be fun... If my husband were remaining my husband, and just discovering a fun new fetish or something. It's that my husband is leaving, and this woman is replacing him, that's what makes it intolerable. Sorry if you haven't seen me comment at your journal lately. I have a lot of emotional decompressing that I need to do, and I'm mostly just RPing, because being a fake person feels good. It feels better than being me. | | Sunday, November 27th, 2005 | | 8:41 pm |
MORE.
John was en femme all the time we were at my parents' for Thanksgiving. And now he's being all PROUD and I'M GOING TO BE A GIRL, and wearing his garb all around the house. So naturally the boys get upset. And he's sitting there all wounded, saying "This is HOW I AM. You HAVE TO GET USED TO IT." I suppose his therapist told him to do it. And then scurried out the door to buy a lot more shit from Target to make himself feel better (at least it was a discount store). Because one of the things he likes about being a girl is the retail therapy, I think. And I hate the feelings of getting stuck in his transition, but what made me mad was how he just SAT there and didn't make any effort to comfort the boys; and he just SAT there; and then he came back and SAT there some more. And fuck it all, I'm the THINKER, I'm not supposed to have to TELL him to be compassionate!!! Current Mood: angry | | Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005 | | 3:17 pm |
Some days it just isn't worth coming home at all.
When I walk in the door, and John's been out buying lots of new girl-clothes, plus pretty nightgowns for the boys; and he suggested they all go on a girls' night out; which the boys just loved that idea. That means what, dresses for them? Shoes? Pretty socks? Wigs? I wish I could leave and come back like sometime next year. I wish I could separate my money from John's, and my property from John's and never have to deal with this shit again. And I might take the boys, or I might not. Maybe I should just let him deal with them, and they'll all grow up one happy free-spending bunch of bankrupt gender-benders. Maybe I can leave right now. Current Mood: stressed | | Sunday, November 20th, 2005 | | 4:40 pm |
| | Friday, November 11th, 2005 | | 10:19 am |
I was going to wait until this one was resolved to write about it,
but it looks like it will take a while: The situation right now is that John tells me he's changed his mind. He's totally not going to transition, not now, not ever; he isn't sure he even wants to cross-dress for the whole rest of his life. He had this lady at the church who was supposed to help him learn how to dress like a woman, and he's not even interested in that any more. ( Read more... )So where it left off was I told him to discuss this with his therapist, and not to make any more assurances to me until he'd talked to her and seen what she had to say. And I pushed him out the door this morning to go to a session with her. So we'll see... I do not see this going well. I imagine he will throw away all his girly-shit, just like he did last time. And then he'll have to buy it all from scratch next August, when he breaks out again. Oh, I do hope it doesn't go like this! Current Mood:  uncomfortable | | Friday, October 21st, 2005 | | 5:16 am |
| | Monday, October 17th, 2005 | | 4:25 pm |
John is being less and less himself.
And he was asking me today, what size skirt should he get, considering his size in pants, and I told him about the same size. So I made a comment about the cost, partly because he already spends TONS more money per week on himself than I do, and partly because it just feels like it hurts when any more money gets spent on this girly shit of his. So he got all mad. And he was going on at me. And I told him the truth: This is very painful to me. I HATE seeing him change, and I can't stand anything that progresses this change, and that makes me lash out when I probably shouldn't. And all day I've been thinking about the parts I didn't tell him: Which is that he is a different person now, a person I did not marry or agree to live closely with. And yet he wants to hug me. And to share personal feelings with me. And to spend time with me. I don't like being around this new person he is. Because she treats me the way John did, and she ISN'T John. And that is wrong in oh so many ways. Current Mood: lonely | | Saturday, October 15th, 2005 | | 5:32 am |
I cleaned a place for myself upstairs,
also made up the spare bed. It was kind of amazing, how nice it felt to sleep in a bed again, and I'm feeling MUCH more rested this morning. Current Mood: awake | | Wednesday, October 12th, 2005 | | 4:54 am |
John's transgendering.
He believes this is his private information, to keep or give out, and that's why I have to be so careful, talking about it. Because it affects me in a lot of ways. Most of the things that are really are hard in my life right now are caused by this, and I can't talk about them without this coming out. So here's where it can come out. Here's where I can say things like how I think he might be a pretty fun woman, someday, but it still totally squicks me, having my husband wearing dainties and smelling like perfume. Or that I've been sleeping on the sofa, because there are long periods of time when the emotions are too heavy between us for me to want to be in the same room with him, but this means that I'm about a TON tireder going to work, and class, than I was before. Or that he has these mood swings, and even though I'm pretty sure he's doing the right thing, taking on an identity that is really the right one for him and all, I still have this hope that his therapist will diagnose some major mood disorder that can be medicated away, and everything will go back to normal for me. So there it is. And I'm only going to write here about this situation; and probably only when I'm pretty unhappy or stressed. And I really appreciate having some friends who will listen. It makes it easier, having some friends who know what's going on. |
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